DBT Skill: Effectively Coping with Urges

Just about everyone struggles with urges from time to time, whether they be around staying away from substances like alcohol or drugs, self-harming, casual sex, or an endless number of things. You are not alone if you struggle with urges that feel overwhelming.

The great news about urges is that, no matter how strong they are, we still  have the power to choose  what action we will take.

If we are tempted to drink or do drugs but our sobriety is a major goal and value of ours, we can call a sober friend, a sponsor, or therapist to help talk us through the temptation so we can avoid following through on it.

If we feel like self-harming, we can again call someone we trust and who is supportive, or if that feels too vulnerable, we can do a DBT Distress Tolerance skill, such as holding an ice cube.

If we feel like having impulsive, casual sex for comfort and to ease loneliness, and we are aware enough to know that that's why we are about to do it, we can stop right there, get to a safe place where engaging in such behavior isn't possible, and distract with skills or soothe ourselves in a non-destructive way.

One of the most empowering moments in my recovery was something that might seem so obvious to people who don't suffer from emotion dysregulation issues: We have the power to choose how we will behave, what will do, and what we will not do -- no matter how strong an urge is.

Remember this the next time you're faced with an intense urge.  Notice how you feel when you choose to overcome the urge rather than give into it. Each time you do it, you build your strength for the next time it comes up. Eventually, the urge could lose most of its power. Imagine that.

Thanks for reading.

More Soon.

You might also be interested in these posts:

Controlling Impulses By Starting Small (DBT Ice Cube)

Stop Sabotaging: A 31-Day DBT Challenge to Change Your Life

Contributing: A DBT Skill with Ripple Effects

When people first hear of the DBT skill of contributing, they often imagine that they have to do something huge for it to count.  This is not the case. Contributing is any act that you engage in to lift someone else up.

I had a couple of appointments today.  One was a medical appointment, and the receptionist opened her station up only 40 minutes into her 60 minute lunch because she felt bad for the people who were waiting. She told each patient, "The lights are off because I'm not even supposed to be here. I just don't want you all waiting, and I don't want my co-workers to have a huge line when they get back."

As I stood in line, I contemplated on how thoughtful it was of her to do this, but it also sounded as if her choice was a bit self-sacrificing.  Although I of course don't know the full story (maybe she was late for work and her coworkers covered for her earlier in the day -- who knows?), when I got up to her station, I looked at her and said, "Thank you so much for opening up early. At the same time, take care of YOU, too. You deserve to take your breaks."

She smiled, thanked me, and was very sweet throughout the transaction.  I don't know what, if any, impact my words may have had on her, but that was my intention, and I hope I contributed to a better day for her in some way with my words.

The other example that comes to mind from today was an opportunity that I had to validate a peer in group therapy.  He is a father to two grown children, and he was talking about how difficult things have been since his divorce. It was obvious this man was hurting and that he desperately wanted to to do right by his children. When there was a pause, I told him, "They are very lucky to have a father like you who really cares."  He smiled and thanked me. Others nodded and agreed.  I hope I also contributed something positive to his day.

Why not practice contributing today?  Perhaps you can offer a kind word, validate someone, or find another way to let another person know that they matter. And, remember, your choice to contribute matters, too.


Check out this awesome, short, independent film on validating others. It made me cry the first time I watched it (via My Dialectical Life), because it made me realize what a difference we can make, with rippling effects, if only we try.




Today I can check off the following skills on my DBT Diary Card:

• Build Positive Experiences
• Improve the Moment
• Distract  (Contributing falls under this category in DBT, as it is a way to decrease your own distress by focusing on something outside of you and the distressing issue.)

Thanks for reading.

More Soon.

Portable DBT Skill For Distress Tolerance

If you're not aware of how the simple act of holding ice can be an easy, powerful way to help keep you safe from things like self-harming when in distress, click here to read, "Controlling Impulses by Starting Small: DBT Ice Cube Exercise," then read on.


Yesterday I was inspired when a tweeter said she asked a waitress for a zip lock baggie of ice. She wanted to use the ice to help with distress she was experiencing.

Today I was preparing for some inevitable distress.  I had to take a loved one to the airport. I will miss her greatly while she is away for the next few weeks. Because I know I become emotionally dysregulated when I see her off on her trips, I knew I needed to plan with distress tolerance skills.

Bringing ice cubes with me to the airport wasn't really any option.  Instead, I chilled a bottle of water until it was nearly frozen.  I carried it around in my bag, and in moments of great distress and anxiety, I held it.  The intense cold sensation really helped to ground me and take my mind off of the distressing situation, even if only for a moment here and there.

Next time you have to go to something stressful, be it a doctor's appointment, seeing a loved one off at the airport, grocery shopping -- whatever it is, consider freezing or chilling in the refrigerator a bottle of water and then taking it with you to use for this DBT exercise.  When you feel better, you can drink it and stay hydrated, which is also a healthy choice. :)


Today I can check off the following skills on my DBT Diary Card (click to get a free, printable one for yourself):

• Distract/Distress Tolerance
• Build Mastery -- I'm learning Spanish, and I put together the sentence, "La botella de agua está fría,"  meaning "The bottle of water is cold," as I practiced this skill. I hope I got this right. :)

Have you ever used the DBT Ice Cube skill before?  Might you try the water bottle idea? What works for you when you are in distress?


Thanks for reading.
More Soon.

DBT: Distracting and Self-Soothing in a Modern World Using Youtube

I had a lovely young lady in her twenties comment on one of my recent posts, asking if there were any "modern" ways to distract and self-soothe (this was in response to my post suggesting making a cup of tea).  While I believe that making and enjoying tea will never go out of style and is a good practice and enjoyment at any age, I understood her question.

We live in an age where, if you have internet access, so many resources are available to help create a healthy distraction or self-soothe us.

A healthy distraction, in DBT terms, is something we choose to engage our mind in entirely, in order to take a much needed break from something that is distressing us -- a problem for which there is nothing more we can do in the present moment. We give ourselves a deserved and needed respite from suffering over the issue.

Self-soothing is when we engage in an activity that soothes us through our senses. Cuddling up with a soft blanket, listening to soft music, and looking at pictures of beautiful art are all examples. If the activity calms you and your nervous system and you feel soothed, you are self-soothing.

One modern way I've found to both distract and self-soothe is to watch tutorial type videos on YouTube -- particularly makeup and baking/cooking videos.  Even if I have absolutely no intention of following through on recreating the makeup look or food that is demonstrated in the video, it can be a great distraction to follow along as the person gives instructions, step by step, and I get to watch something be created from beginning to end. (I must confess, I am often inspired in some way by the videos I watch -- especially the makeup ones, and I end up creating something at some point that is related to what I saw. No harm there!)


Here are some examples of some videos you can watch to distract, organized by subject matters you may be interested in.

Check them out, and see if any of them help you distract or self-soothe. You may end up with a new tool in your self-care toolbox!


Baking

 


Cooking





Makeup




Art 





When I watch videos like this, I may check off the following skills on my DBT Diary  Card:

• Effectiveness (doing what works)
• Distract
• Self-soothe
• Improve the Moment

What do you think of using YouTube videos to distract and self-soothe? What other "modern" ways do you practice these skills?

Thanks for reading.
More Soon.

DBT Skills for Self-Respect and Building Mastery

Today I snapped at my mother when she called me.  I picked up the phone even though I was in the middle of working with numbers and while I was feeling quite emotionally distressed due to President Barack Obama's tearful press conference regarding a tragic incident that just happened in Connecticut.

I chose to work on some calculations I needed to make as a way to DISTRACT from the difficult emotions and feelings that were coming up with hearing the news on the radio. Initially, I cried and felt sad and devastated. I noticed that I needed to regulate my emotions, and this is where the Distract DBT skill came into play.

In the meantime, my phone rang. When I saw the display and noticed that it was my mother calling, I had a choice to take the call or to let it go to voice mail and call her back.  I took the call and ended up being short and a bit rude. When I realized this, I said, "Ma, can I call you back in a few minutes?" We hung up.

I took some deep breaths. I thought about my INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS skills, particularly Attending to Relationships, Building Mastery, and Self-Respect.  I took some deep, slow, calming breaths. I felt badly that I was mean to my mother.

I collected my thoughts and called her back.

I expressed that I was sorry for being short and rude.  I explained that I had been in the middle of some calculations and that I was emotionally upset about what I had heard on the news. (It turns out that my mother hadn't heard it yet. I shared it with her, and she understood how I could have been so upset.)

By clearing things up, apologizing, and explaining my actions, I was able to interact with my mother in a way that made me feel:

• competent
• respectful
• respectable, and
• effective

...which are all goals of building mastery and self-respect under theee DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness module.

DBT Skills I'll be checking off on my DBT Diary Card:

Wise Mind: I was able to identify that I was in Emotion Mind and began to think rationally about my emotional reactions. I identified the importance of clearing things up with my mother.

Effectiveness (focus on what works): I took a time-out and asked for one respectfully while on the phone with my mother. I then called her back after I had a few moments to calm down and get into Wise Mind.

Relationship Effectiveness (GIVE): When I called back, I used an easy manner and was very warm in my mannerisms.

Self-Respect (FAST): I was fair to myself, acknowledging my emotional response, and I was fair to my mother, acknowledging that she deserved to be treated with respect.

Build Mastery (from Emotion Regulation Module): I handled the situation in a way that made me feel competent and effective, and I did so promptly. Sometimes I do not respond right away with remedying a situation, and I then end up feeling guilt and shame. I avoided this by practicing dealing with the emotional situation promptly. The more we practice, the more we build mastery of using the skills.

Distract: I distracted by doing the calculations.

See how with just one experience throughout your entire day you can practice your DBT skills?

Did you work on a relationship today?  Did you take a step back after becoming emotional in order to calm down? Which DBT skills did you use?

Thanks for reading.

More Soon.