DBT: Judging and Splitting vs. Compassionate Consideration

Like most families  mine often seems to have its fair share of drama. It's one of the reasons I moved 3,000 miles away as soon as I was old enough to do so (naively believing, of course, that I wouldn't experience my own -- if only I got away from them.)

Years later, the drama continues from afar. I find that I am often very critical and judgmental when I hear about how one of my cousins ended up in jail for violent behavior and that another one has putting drugs before her children.

But, once I notice that I'm judging, my heart often softens.  I wonder if the person I'm judging is truly coping the best he or she really can.  Maybe my cousin who gets physically aggressive feels so unheard and angry and is so affected from being a veteran that he simply doesn't know or trust a better way of coping. Maybe drugs are the only way my other cousin believes she can cope with or numb the pain of years worth of trauma and sadness.

It would seem so, because I hear about the same behaviors repeatedly...but who am I to judge?  I wonder how many people shook their heads in disbelief hearing that I had quit another job, was in the hospital again, or any other number of behaviors that I repeatedly engaged in when I had no other tools in my emotional toolbox.

In DBT, we practice being non-judgmental in relationships by refraining from labeling people as "all good" or "all bad." We observe and notice that people - all people - truly are a mix of both.

The next time you catch yourself making a generalized statement about someone, just notice it. Consider if it is a judgment, then compassionately consider that you may not have all pieces of the story. The person may be coping as best as he or she can at this time, with the tools he or she has.

Extend that same compassion to yourself as well.


Thanks for reading.
More Soon.


You may also enjoy reading:

Splitting in Borderline Personality Disorder - The Pedestal Push
Spotting Black or White Thinking & Finding Shades of Grey

DBT: Emergency Skills for an Emotional Crisis

There are times when things get so overwhelming that we have to stop in our tracks and take care of ourselves -- and quickly.  This is a video I made this past summer about this topic.

Are you feeling overwhelmed with too many emotions and upsetting situations happening all at once?  Do you want to come up with a plan to prepare for the next time you might feel this way, so that you do not sabotage your life and the hard work you've been trying to do?

This video is for you.






I hope this was helpful to you and that you feel empowered to prepare yourself to cope.


Thanks for reading and watching.
More Soon.


You may also enjoy:

911 Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills for When Your Are Triggered
Stop Sabotaging: A 31-Day DBT Challenge to Change Your Life

Self Soothing For Adult Trauma Survivors

Survivors of trauma often experience exhausting and distressing aftereffects, such as nightmares, flashbacks, and mood changes. A DBT skill that can help calm our nervous system when we experience distress is Self-Soothing, and here's a way that it can be practiced:

Imagine you are in the presence of a baby that you love and care for. The baby becomes distressed. He's crying. His face is turning red. He's all tense, scrunched up, and pouting.  What is your first instinct as to how to soothe this baby? Your answer may hold the key to helping yourself the next time you feel distressed.

Although the concept may seem initially strange, you can give yourself the same kind of self-soothing the next time you're in an emotionally charged state, and it can help!

I actually use this technique. When I imagined the baby scenario, for me, I'd hold the baby in my arms and reassure him that he was okay -- that he was safe. I'd rub his back and softly sing to him.

When I am really distressed, I swaddle up in a soft blanket and reassure myself that I am not in any present danger. I may gently rock or hold myself until I begin to feel calmer.

This is a technique to consider the next time you are feeling dysregulated.

Thanks for reading.
More Soon.

You may also enjoy reading:

Self Soothing As An Adult
Autogenics for the Ultimate Self-Soothing & Relaxation
Taking Care of YOU: Why and How To Soothe Your Nervous System
Make Your Own DBT Self-Soothing Kit

DBT Skill: Distracting for Relief of Obsessive or Ruminating Thoughts (OCD, BPD)

From time to time we all deal with thoughts that are distressing. If there isn't much you can do in the moment to change the circumstances causing you distress, one way to skillfully cope with the flood of thoughts is to mindfully distract yourself.  This doesn't mean that you pretend that the problem isn't there -- of course you know it is. It just means that you are consciously choosing to give yourself a break from dwelling on it for a little while.

Today I was ruminating and obsessing over a certain thought over which I had no control. I realize that this glitch in my thought process is probably due to some extra stress that I'm facing. Because I'm aware of this and the fact that it is only causing me more distress to keep obsessing, I've chosen to distract in a few ways, including:

• Studying Spanish on Rosetta Stone.
• Watching a Christmas movie with Spanish audio. (I don't understand much, but the parts I do get are pretty exciting. This takes A LOT of my focus on and attention,making it a great Distraction activity).
• Chatting on Twitter

Are you currently having distressing thoughts over things you can't control?  What activities might you engage in to distract yourself for a bit?

Thanks for reading.

More Soon.

Here are some other posts you may find helpful:

Using Distraction DBT Skill for Dissociation and Distress

How Can I Help You (and Myself)? The DBT Skill of Distracting by Contributing

DBT Distress Tolerance: Crisis Survival Skills

Life can sure throw us some curve balls. At any time, unexpectedly, something can happen that will test our ability to respond skillfully to the core.  I had such a moment today. Fortunately, there are DBT skills we can when we are in a situation that is intense, sudden, and where there is nothing more that we can do other than wait.

When life throws curve balls, Distress Tolerance skills can be our safe haven.

These skills are considered "Crisis Survival Strategies" and are "[s]kills for tolerating painful events and emotions when you cannot make things better right away," as is my situation right now (Linehan, 1993). When there is nothing else you can do about your crisis situation, it is important to find effective ways to cope with/tolerate the distress in the meantime so that you don't make maters worse for yourself.

There are many skills in this module, but tonight I'll just share the ones I'll be using and checking off on my DBT Diary Card tonight:

• Pushing Away (under Distract with Wise Mind ACCEPTS): I will be imagining putting all thoughts about this situation in a box on the shelf. Each time a thought comes up, I will put it in the box.  Ordinarily, we don't want to ignore our experience, but think of this as a conscious, deliberate act of self-care. If you're ruminating/obsessing over something over which you have no control and that you cannot affect or change in the moment, practicing Pushing Away is an act of kindness to yourself.
• Self-Soothe through the senses: I'll be focusing on a few senses. For taste, I'll have a chocolate covered cherry.  For smell, I'll use an aromatherapeutic body wash. I have two favorites right now -- a blood orange flower scented wash and a tropical island scented scrub.  For touch, I'll be cuddling up on the couch with my warm, fleece blanket in comfy fleece pajamas with my two, soft, furry cats.
• Activities (under Distract with Wise Mind ACCEPTS):  I will distract by practicing my Spanish lessons with Rosetta Stone and watching some good programs on television.
• Opposite to Emotion Action (under Distract with Wise Mind ACCEPTS): The television programs I choose will be those that I believe will help me smile and laugh, which will counteract the fear and the behaviors/impulses that come with fear.

I'll also be staying in JUST this moment -- not worrying about the future -- as best as I possibly can. Imagining things going well and working out just fine is also on the agenda.


What skills do you find helpful when you must accept things for what they are, and there's nothing more you can do?


Thank you for reading.
More Soon.


P.S. I also did a brief post on this issue at my personal blog, where I got a bit more into the emotional dysregulation I experienced today.  Click here to read it.

DBT for Distorted Thinking: Mind Reading

Sometimes we can get caught up in distorted thinking patterns. In DBT, we learn that thoughts are sometimes just that: thoughts. They are not always facts.

Have you even been really afraid that someone may believe something about you and you convince yourself that they must, even without checking out the facts?  Sometimes when we are afraid, we can project those fears onto other people.

For example, if I am afraid that I am fat, I may accuse you of thinking I am fat.  You may not think that at all. It's just a thought I had. It doesn't make it true.

According to a handout from Kaiser Permanente on recognizing distorted thinking styles, "Mind Reading" can be described as:

Mind Reading: Without their saying so, you know what people are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, you are able to divine how people are feeling toward you.

I also found this excerpt from a book that was distributed to the members of the DBT group that I attend:

 "Mind reading is the tendency to make inferences about how people feel and think. In the long run, you are probably better off making no inferences about people at all. Either believe what they tell you or hold no belief at all until some conclusive evidence comes your way.  Treat all of your notions about people as hypotheses to be tested and checked out by asking them. If you lack direct information from the person involved, but have other evidence, evaluate your conclusions..."

I challenged some distorted thinking and will be checking off the following skills on my DBT Diary Card:

• Wise Mind
• Describe
• Effectiveness

Do you find yourself getting caught up in distorted thinking sometimes? What skills/strategies have you found helpful during these times?

Thanks for reading.

More Soon.

Soothing Your Frazzled Nerves: DBT With a Cup of Tea

Will a cup of tea change fix your problems or change your life? Probably not. Can preparing a cup and enjoying it improve the moment and help soothe you when you're feeling distressed or dysregulated? Yes! (Though, if you're like me, and you're using tea to calm, you'll want to grab a decaffeinated variety.)

I have a friend who is very grounded and realistic. She is usually in what I would describe as Reasonable Mind. She's good with math and science and loves solving difficult problems.  She also suffers sometimes from anxiety and often from insomnia.  When I suggest little things like making a cup of tea, I'll hear, "What's the point? It's not going to fix my problem."  That's true, but you might feel a little better temporarily. Doesn't that make trying worth it?

Why self-soothe?  

Many of us with emotion dysregulation issues such as Borderline Personality Disorder did not receive enough soothing or we did not learn how to soothe ourselves in times of great distress. Our nervous systems may be more highly reactive. Even those who don't have such issues find comfort in soothing themselves, and it's a skill that we can learn as adults.

I just made myself a cup of Good Earth spicy tea to self-soothe.  It's one of my favorite ways to calm my nerves and be good to me. Yes, it's okay, and actually encouraged, that you be GOOD to yourself. (In my book Stop Sabotaging, I include an in-depth DBT tea practice. You'd be surprised how many steps are involved in this simple act and how mindfully you can go about it!)


Self-Soothing Skills are covered in the Distress Tolerance module of DBT. 

We can soothe our minds, nerves, and spirits through:

• Vision
• Hearing
• Smell
• Taste
• Touch

I actually get to experience all of these with this tea. I am soothed by the sight of steam coming off of my mug. I get a positive nostalgic feeling when my tea kettle whistles (it reminds me of my Nana, who passed away years ago -- she used to use a whistling kettle, too), the tea smells very fragrant with powerful notes of cinnamon and cloves. Taste is an obvious one, and I am comforted through touch by holding the warm mug in my hands.

Today I'll be able to check off Self-Soothing on my DBT Diary Card.

What have you done today to self-soothe?  What are some of your favorite ways to practice this skill?  Can you commit to doing something self-soothing before today is done?

Thanks for reading.

More soon.

DBT Skills for Self-Respect and Building Mastery

Today I snapped at my mother when she called me.  I picked up the phone even though I was in the middle of working with numbers and while I was feeling quite emotionally distressed due to President Barack Obama's tearful press conference regarding a tragic incident that just happened in Connecticut.

I chose to work on some calculations I needed to make as a way to DISTRACT from the difficult emotions and feelings that were coming up with hearing the news on the radio. Initially, I cried and felt sad and devastated. I noticed that I needed to regulate my emotions, and this is where the Distract DBT skill came into play.

In the meantime, my phone rang. When I saw the display and noticed that it was my mother calling, I had a choice to take the call or to let it go to voice mail and call her back.  I took the call and ended up being short and a bit rude. When I realized this, I said, "Ma, can I call you back in a few minutes?" We hung up.

I took some deep breaths. I thought about my INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS skills, particularly Attending to Relationships, Building Mastery, and Self-Respect.  I took some deep, slow, calming breaths. I felt badly that I was mean to my mother.

I collected my thoughts and called her back.

I expressed that I was sorry for being short and rude.  I explained that I had been in the middle of some calculations and that I was emotionally upset about what I had heard on the news. (It turns out that my mother hadn't heard it yet. I shared it with her, and she understood how I could have been so upset.)

By clearing things up, apologizing, and explaining my actions, I was able to interact with my mother in a way that made me feel:

• competent
• respectful
• respectable, and
• effective

...which are all goals of building mastery and self-respect under theee DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness module.

DBT Skills I'll be checking off on my DBT Diary Card:

Wise Mind: I was able to identify that I was in Emotion Mind and began to think rationally about my emotional reactions. I identified the importance of clearing things up with my mother.

Effectiveness (focus on what works): I took a time-out and asked for one respectfully while on the phone with my mother. I then called her back after I had a few moments to calm down and get into Wise Mind.

Relationship Effectiveness (GIVE): When I called back, I used an easy manner and was very warm in my mannerisms.

Self-Respect (FAST): I was fair to myself, acknowledging my emotional response, and I was fair to my mother, acknowledging that she deserved to be treated with respect.

Build Mastery (from Emotion Regulation Module): I handled the situation in a way that made me feel competent and effective, and I did so promptly. Sometimes I do not respond right away with remedying a situation, and I then end up feeling guilt and shame. I avoided this by practicing dealing with the emotional situation promptly. The more we practice, the more we build mastery of using the skills.

Distract: I distracted by doing the calculations.

See how with just one experience throughout your entire day you can practice your DBT skills?

Did you work on a relationship today?  Did you take a step back after becoming emotional in order to calm down? Which DBT skills did you use?

Thanks for reading.

More Soon.

Welcome To My Daily DBT

Welcome to My Daily DBT! My name is Debbie Corso, and you may already be familiar with my work at HealingFromBPD.org.  There, I blog about my experiences as a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder, including my struggles and triumphs applying Dialectical Behavior Therapy to change, improve, create, and build my life.

While I will continue to blog from HealingFromBPD.org with more in-depth, personal examples of my experience, this blog will be more of a daily (or quite frequent, in the least) place to read DBT examples, tips, information, ideas for implementation, and a place to ask questions and share your experience with practicing DBT.

I welcome you with open arms to this new endeavor and look forward to connecting with you here.

Thanks for reading.
More Soon.